{"id":3712,"date":"2016-05-28T07:53:28","date_gmt":"2016-05-28T07:53:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/insearchofsukoon.wordpress.com\/?p=3712"},"modified":"2017-04-22T08:21:17","modified_gmt":"2017-04-22T08:21:17","slug":"we-all-have-a-way","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.insearchofsukoon.com\/we-all-have-a-way\/","title":{"rendered":"WE ALL HAVE A WAY….."},"content":{"rendered":"

As I close my eyes it all comes running back to me. A memory soo painful yet deeply etched in me for ever.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

It might have been an ordinary day for you but for me it was special. The happiness was so big that it was becoming impossible to contain it. Am I dreaming?<\/h4>\n

Is it real?<\/h4>\n

Is it really happening?<\/h4>\n

\u00a0Of course it was, but it was taking time to sink in. Never in my life before have 2 lines seemed any more meaningful. I\u00a0was going to be a Mom.\u00a0 I wanted to run to the rooftop and shout it out at the top of my voice.<\/h4>\n

I WILL BE A MOM!!!!!<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

It was something that I had always dreamt of.<\/h4>\n

Who doesn’t?<\/h4>\n

There is something about babies that makes you want to have them, to hold them, to love them, to cuddle them! I guess my hormones had already started doing their job. For the first few days I was happy, excited, jumping with joy then a strange feeling took over me.<\/h4>\n

An individual….a part of me……Gratitude!<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

A week later I\u00a0called\u00a0my family and shared my good\u00a0news.\u00a0Blessing and Congrats starting pouring\u00a0via phone calls,\u00a0emails and texts since most of my family was away….in other parts of the world.\u00a0Luckily my sister lived a few hours away. As I shared my good news, \u00a0we mutually decided that she would come over the weekend for a\u00a0sweet celebration. Lets just say I couldn’t wait to meet her, to ask her all the teeny weeny details of being a mom from the precautions to take to\u00a0the handling of morning sickness to the pregnancy woes and of course the dreaded\u00a0weight gain (biggest worry)…<\/h4>\n

Yes, you can imagine there was a lot to discuss.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

Finally the day came and I wore my favorite outfit and got ready. The table was set and I finally sat on the couch thinking what will I discuss first?? Maybe I will start with just hugging her or maybe I should waste no\u00a0time and\u00a0directly ask the questions. I was ready to have the talk or better yet super excited to have one.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

But I never got to talk the talk.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

Before she arrived I started to bleed. Initially it was just a few spots of blood. Like any other person in today’s internet age I googled fanatically. What was wrong? I was a doctor myself, but at that moment I was just a mother who wanted to be told it was all ok. That nothing was wrong. My baby was safe.\u00a0Please be SAFE!<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

My sister came, but instead of laughter and hugs I ran outside and we rushed to the hospital . A few hours and some bleeding later it was all over. The chapter of motherhood that I had just started to write was ripped out from my book of life. I came back home to\u00a0 flowers, balloons and a baby book that my sister had brought so lovingly. They looked sad. As I held the baby book\u00a0something inside me broke and I \u00a0began to cry hysterically.<\/h4>\n

It was all over.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

The human mind works in strange ways. I knew about miscarriage,\u00a0 first trimester losses, how they are very common and mostly they have no explanation, in a few cases either chromosomal or genetic defects in the growing embryo or occasionally the anatomical defects. I knew that\u00a0none of it was my fault but my mind refused to believe it.<\/h4>\n

It’s strange that human beings are the most intelligent species but in\u00a0situations\u00a0like these where there is no answer…..no explanation, \u00a0our intelligence is nowhere to be found. \u00a0The easiest way to overcome grief is to place the blame on something or someone. Usually\u00a0when we cannot find that something or someone, we blame ourselves.\u00a0And so\u00a0did I.<\/h4>\n

Then started the brain racking…..<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

\u00a0“Maybe\u00a0I shouldn’t have walked that far….but I walk the same distance everyday….No!!! I should have walked AT ALL”…Was it the walk???<\/h4>\n

” Maybe I didn’t drink enough water”……Was it the water??<\/h4>\n

” I took the train, I shouldn’t have taken the train.\u00a0 It did feel bumpy, didn’t it???” Was it the train??<\/h4>\n

” I shouldn’t have worn high heels…..Yeah!!!…. My mom told me not to wear high heels. Maybe its the high heels…..Wait….I don’t even own high heels….<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

AAAAAGGHHHH!!!! What was the reason???<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

No matter how lame the excuse was, I was ready to accept that it was I, me, myself who had to be reprimanded for my acts.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

As I\u00a0look back now I realize how na\u00efve I\u00a0was.\u00a0I spent that dark phase of my life crying and blaming myself for something I had no control over.\u00a0Unfortunately this is how we cope with grief. It is not how we should cope, but actually what we have taught ourselves to do.<\/h4>\n

There are numerous occasions in our life where things go wrong and there is no single answer and no one to blame.<\/h4>\n

\u00a0Big situations like\u00a0a marriage that failed…. an accident…..a financial crunch…..losing a loved\u00a0one….a health situation\u00a0or even small ones\u00a0like a job interview….a friendship….an exam.<\/h4>\n

It’s just how life works. But we have taught ourselves that every time such a situation comes, we must go down that rabbit hole. We have to play the blame game. I must have done something wrong that is why I am being punished.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

Situations where there is someone or something to blame, no matter how painful are still easy to process. You have a target and\u00a0you can\u00a0vent your anger or unload your feelings and move on feeling lighter. But the real challenge lies in situations where there is\u00a0no answer.<\/h4>\n

Who to\u00a0blame??<\/h4>\n

Who to target???<\/h4>\n

\u00a0What to do??<\/h4>\n

We take the blame ourselves and go down the whirlpool of guilt, swirling down the drain of emotions, slowly….painfully we torture ourselves, we kill our happiness….our smiles….. our good memories….. our friendships….. our existence… Till it’s just us and our ugly guilt face to face. The pain helps to\u00a0ease the loss. The time heals the rest.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

But, there is another way…..<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

A much harder yet less painful way.\u00a0A path which will seem blurry initially but as you keep on walking it will light up.<\/h4>\n

That path is a 4 lettered word …..<\/h4>\n

H-O-P-E.<\/h3>\n

It is also the path of belief. An unseen staircase where new steps are added every second. \u00a0Where you learn that situations come and go but\u00a0life does not stop. Yes it might break you initially, yes it might seem difficult\u00a0but it will give you enough energy\u00a0to not only get up but also\u00a0be strong and\u00a0move on. You will learn to live, to thrive, to find\u00a0new doors with new opportunities waiting\u00a0to be opened only\u00a0by you. You will learn that you are not to be\u00a0blamed because you are as good as you could be.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

“You did your part, Life did theirs”.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

You\u00a0will find happiness in much smaller things as your garden of gratitude will\u00a0thrive and prosper. Sometimes even the most toughest situations will not daunt you.\u00a0It takes real courage to take that path but once you do the dark skies will start opening up and the rays of “I can do it” will start peeping through.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

\u00a0I’m not saying that\u00a0life will be a bed of roses or full of butterflies and rainbows, or even an empty road where you can drive in any direction or at any speed\u00a0you want because that\u00a0would be stretching it a bit too far. All I am saying is\u00a0that Hope is like an airbag in your car. At the moment of crash it balloons up and shields you\u00a0to decrease the impact for just those\u00a0few moments of your life when you are unable to comprehend\u00a0but ultimately it\u00a0is you yourself who has to get up and\u00a0figure out the way.<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

Just remember…..<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

\u00a0We all have a way!<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

<\/h4>\n

<\/h5>\n
<\/h5>\n
(…….In conversation with my sister)<\/em><\/h5>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

As I close my eyes it all comes running back to me. A memory soo painful yet deeply etched in me for ever. It might have been an ordinary day for you but for me it was special. The happiness was so big that it was becoming impossible to contain it. Am I dreaming? Is 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A memory soo painful yet deeply etched in me for ever. It might have been an ordinary day for you but for me it was special. The happiness was so big that it was becoming impossible to contain it. Am I dreaming? 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